peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Randomize
