Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Randomize
