My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
your room smells of hookers.
And success
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Randomize
