The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
