your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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