Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
