i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My hand turned me down
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
