She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
