this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
