so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
