my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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