I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
