I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
