none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
