i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
