If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I wish I only lived at night.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
My apartment stinks of burning failure
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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