I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Randomize
