mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
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