3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
The pigeons can smell the fear
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.