I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"