oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
