hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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