Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
