Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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