At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
