Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
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