he thought i was a dude.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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