I wannas sexs uuuuu
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Randomize
