Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
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I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
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I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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