You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
