Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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