Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
