sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
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