Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
