the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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