So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
