i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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