this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
please come you make the beer taste better
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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