Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
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Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
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IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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