haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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