I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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