I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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