I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Randomize
