I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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