my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
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