I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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