I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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