I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
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