Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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