After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
