I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
