Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
