It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
