i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
