Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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