As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
