i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize