Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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