woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
