wanna go halves on a baby?
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
