I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
