am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
